Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.
I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.
There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.
I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.
SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
So for those of you who don't know I am a bit of a green freak. As much as my environment will allow that is. Well anyway I was reading through one of my favorite blogs, www.thedieline.com, and I came across one of the coolest new green products I have seen in a while. Check it out!
This is super cool, A perfect gift for an upcoming birthday or earthday. Feel free to send me one!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
So on March 28th at 8:30pm all of us tree huggin, green folk are asking to help give our power grids a break by turning off all sources of power for just one hour. I participated in this last year with my flatmates at 560 Powell and I am planning on being a part of it again this year. So to recap March 28th 8:30pm cut it off, throw the circuit breaker if you must what ever you have to do but lets give our grids and our mama earth a break. Come on, it is only an hour, light a candle, or better yet take a candle lit bath, or a nap or whatever. Get one of those wind up flashlights if you simply CANNOT live without light for one freaking hour but I don't wanna hear any excuses for not participating. What ever it is you gotta do just do it!
For more info check out www.earthhour.org
Be a part of the solution... Spread this message, spread it like Herpes!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
So I am currently putting together a new series of graphic T's for my Cafepress website (www.cafepress.com/thomasray) This is the first that will be in the FatKid series which will be Available for one month on my site... after that it will be replaced by my next series so get your goods while you can!!